Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ties That Bind

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ah, neck ties. Those glorious, generic "Dad" gifts that men have enjoyed - nay, cherished! - since the invention of clothing. After all, what can make you feel more alive than a silk noose around your neck signifying lifelong membership in the greater corporate collective? Hmmm?

And, naturally, when it comes to getting dad a cake on his special day, bakers sure know how to please:

They, uh, also appear to have a rather low opinion of dads' fashion sense.


Or maybe they've read that a lot of men are at least partially colorblind, and decided Dad wouldn't notice:

I'm calling it: yellow and beige is the most disgusting color combination known to man.


Or maybe they think we were all raised in the circus.

"To Dad, Our Favorite Bozo."


Hey, remember that time Dad said his new tie from Aunt Edna looked like crap?

Well, they've got a cake for that, too!

The sprinkles really sell it.


Of course, then there are the bakers who've never actually seen a tie...

...but wouldn't think of letting that stop them.


But my friends, it doesn't have to be this way.

Just say "no" to tie cakes! Say "no" to boring clich├ęs! Instead, go with creativity! Go with quality! Go with...

...a flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake!

Yeah.

You're welcome, fathers everywhere.



Many tanks to Anne J., Luli M., Vanessa B., Denise M., Zoe I., & Becky T. for getting all tied up on our behalf. [mrowr]

Oh, and a belated "epi briday" to Dorothy "big deal" M. Nappy blob blob, Dor!
Fluffy Cow said...

I don't want sprinkles anymore.

A martini on the other hand...

Trevor said...

For a minute, I thought they had put REAL ties on those cakes instead of plastic ones. Okay, maybe only a second, but still....

I should send you a picture of a cake Collette Peters has in one of her books for a sweater for dad. Its how a cake SHOULD be done.

KSLSRocks said...

You know, I've been contemplating a tattoo for a while. I now know I want to go with flaming quiddich riding a unicycle. That totally captures my essence (well, once I add the lightning unicorn).

Anonymous said...

I'm glad my dad doesn't wear ties often.

Evalis said...

That 'flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake' is surprisingly awesome. ...If you view it like that instead of whatever it was supposed to be. (which my mind now refuses to see beyond the flaming snitch)

Annette said...

My first thought when I saw that first cake was: why did they put a fish on shirt cake?

wv: reques - I know better than to reques a cake for my birthday, and will make my own, thanks.

bassgirl said...

Maybe the orange diamond-shaped thingy is a kite rather than a misshapen tie. Maybe it is conjuring up happy childhood memories of flying a kite with Dad. Or maybe not...

wv: pletand We can all pletand that these look like ties!

Jen Zimmerman said...

Hey, most of those look like shirts and ties from the 1970s so maybe the bakers are old farts...The poop on the other hand...well. And stop dissing the clowns, my cousin is an actual professional clown, attended a clown conference in Germany last year (those guys know how to party) - bet you he would love that cake and has an outfit to match! We're all crazy Canucks up here - but not in the hockey sense of the word...

Jen Zimmerman
The Lazy Cat bakery - Toronto, ON
www.thelazycat.ca

doula_char said...

Is that first one a tie, o a trout?

mouse said...

The first six have me remembering that famous line from childhood:
"Eat it, or wear it!"

The flaming quidditch on a unicycle has me.... um... WANT! (but I'll skip the tank top.) :-)

Stephanie said...

That first one looks like it was made by a Ninevite... ;)

Anonymous said...

#1) love those pasted on stripes. with a fluffy green tie. yee-ah.

#2) Is that collar flotsam?? wait--*squints* *sees reflective glare on tie* it the tie/collar combo ALL flotsam? good grief. and that with the over sized, badly colored and striped cake makes Dad look like a dork. the tie is way too short! scale, people, scale! but hey, when it's flotsam and a standard cake size ordered, who's to blame?

#3)a CCC shirt? seriously? if a shirt is worn or folded, it's much closer to a rectangle than a wonky egg shape. sheesh! and again--color combo? that's football cake green there with a blue tie? and orange--my God--why orange? with a fluff of cotton sticking out of the pocket. srsly?

#4) ok, poo tie looks like a microphone strapped around dad's neck. is he a fan of karaoke? meanwhile, multi-colored polka dot sprinkles? it's supposed to be a shirt. for a man. they're not. even.trying.

#5) neither are they. Diamonds are a girl's best friend, not a man's. those ties actually look a little dangerous. unless it's a subliminal message--the point, like an arrow, is pointing down....
you know, to where the manhood might be if this was a full fledged torso cake. nvm.

#6) flaming snitch on a unicycle! yes! totally seeing it! but the dirty tank top--just so you know--is called a "wifebeater" in some rednecky parts. Just to add to the finesse of making it a dad's day shirt.


wv: odbityri. the first half of a description of this post--this flotsam is an "odbityri"ght here.

Tracy W. said...

Before enlarging the picture, I could have sworn the tank top cake said "Happy Father's Gay". Wouldn't that be redundant?

WV: olohympa--The Hawaiian version of Mount Olympus.

deckardcanine said...

The last one could be the new NMBCJ!

May said...

I'm calling dibs on "The Flaming Snitches" for a band name!

Dani said...

When I was a little girl I once gave my dad a tie made out of solid chocolate...and then wound up eating most of it myself.

Sharyn said...

I'm fit to be tied.

None of these are.

Does the pocket on the clown shirt remind anyone else of a Yip-yip alien?

WV: hutwarc -- The noise you make when you see these cakes and gag a little.

Dora said...

I have to agree about the yellow beige combination :D

Anonymous said...

Whoa! You've GOT to make a VROOM VROOM shirt. It would sell like crazy! Maybe for next Father's Day...

Jess said...

"flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake"

Almost had me blowing coffee out of my nose. Almost...

it's the hippy undertones said...

wondering if there are any sunday sweet-worthy tie cakes... maybe? it seems like it could be done.

WV "pacestin" copper is in the lead while mercury paces tin!

kayk said...

That plastic tie is too small for nearly any respectable cake. But maybe short ties are making a fashion statement? http://www.ties1.com/short-tie.php

Discuss Zone said...

Nice!!!!!

Jes said...

@Trevor: This one?

http://www.colettescakes.com/imgs_cake_hldy/DadSwtrHldy.gif

mel said...

and following the receiving of one of these tie cakes is the urge to tie one on....the horror! the horror!

wv - aphyb: a small untruth, as in "Thanks, I really like this tie!"

Anonymous said...

oh, i thought you said, "ties that blind."

Pauline said...

I don't think the 'crap tie' is really a crap tie. It looks like a dragonfly that's had it's wings pulled off.

Labgoddess said...

Thank you for the 'flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake'. My mascara is now a river of black flowing down my face...

Anonymous said...

I think that red "never seen a tie" looks more like a kite. Perhaps it was supposed to be for an avid flyer?

Anonymous said...

These cakes were so horrible that I was inspired by it's the hippy undertones comment...

wondering if there are any sunday sweet-worthy tie cakes... maybe? it seems like it could be done.


to go looking for a "good" shirt and tie cake. I found this:

http://topoflists.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Fathers-Day-Shirt-and-Tie-Cake.png

For the love of ants... what is this atrocity??? Someone please help me so I can avoid paying my therapist extra this week.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Cakewrecks was just mentioned on NPR!

Anonymous said...

Do they even know what a tie looks like O_o

Anonymous said...

If you could get four of those tie cakes in one picture you'd have a barbershop quartet. Or just their headless torsos, neatly dressed.

Suz said...

The Poo tie reminds me of the skinny ties from the 80's a bit, snork.

Also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the flaming snitch!

TechyDad said...

As a guy with a lot of ties (*cough* http://www.techydad.com/2011/06/wordless-wednesday-this-fathers-day-no-more-ties/ *cough*), I know I wouldn't want to wear any of these. Eat them? Maybe. Well, except for the "poo tie". That's just nasty.

Anonymous said...

The first shirt is very stylish, if you're a puppet named Ernie.

KiriD said...

The first one is for the "Fish Slapper" Fathers out there.

WV: Shestic: Well, shestic that flotsom on there real good! (Use a baaaddd southern accent) ((I am from the south don't get mad at me))

RJ said...

You made my stitches hurt. Awesome call on the flaming Quiddich snitch!

Trevor said...

@Jes, that's the one!

Anonymous said...

The first one reminds me of Burt from Sesame Street!

blitherypoop said...

The worst color combo is actually puke green and mustard yellow...so you were half right.

SuBee said...

When I saw the first cake (before reading the explanation,) I thought it was a missile in front of some sort of flag.
And maybe that's what it supposed to be.
You know, for dads who are veterans.

And maybe those triangle things are supposed to represent silk neckerchiefs for dads who are trapped in 1967.

Sadly, there is no explanation for the poop tie.
It's just a poop tie


WV: lumpin- I wish people would stop lumpin perfectly nice missile cakes in with absolutely awful tie cakes.

Spel Chek said...

Poor Dad(s)!

Craig said...

If anyone wants to know why most guys don't like ties, just send them to today's post. Apart from the whole 'choking / conformity' thing that Jen understood perfectly (with input from John?).

@Stephanie: A kudos to you for your Jonah reference.

General explanation for these: "When I faxed in my order, did I remember to put an 'r' in 'shirt cake'? Just wondering."

#1 Way to salvage a split pea soup spill! Way to lay down some serious frosting ribbons one minute before closing!

#2 Using the standard tie length to age correlation, I'm guessing 'Dad' is about five years old.

#3 Ditto. Inflation has hit wreck prices especially hard, it seems.

#4 Hey, #1DAD, it's Mr. Microphone!

#5 One way to subtly buck the trend is to wear a kite around your neck instead of a tie.

#6 I hope that isn't a real Flag being used as a tablecloth.

Aimz said...

"Of course, then there are the bakers who've never actually seen a tie..."
This line made me LOL... then I got to the flaming quiddich riding a unicycle - HILARIOUS!

Adorably Dead said...

I'll take the snitch over the ties :p

pikkewyntjie said...

Flaming Quiddich snitch sounds like an insult.

BADKarma! said...

Re: the flaming Quiddich cake... Technically, there IS a back wheel, so it's really one of those bitchin' Huffy bikes with the monkey-hanger handlebars like I had as a kid.

Of course, the back wheel looks like a mutated, poop-coloured hammer-and-sickle, so I can see where you would have missed it...

Kati said...

Oh good grief! What were they thinking of?!

The "tie" on the first cake looks like a hot water bottle. Why oh why?

Tracy 10:15am: I thought the last cake said Happy Father's Gay too. I just figured it might have been ordered by a son or daughter who's happy that his/her dad is gay.

emilyghearing said...

a lot of those actually look like hipster outfits i've seen around the "cool" parts of town.

Katie Girl said...

Very funny! I love it.

Babsiegirl said...

testing to see if I can comment

Anonymous said...

Before I run off and verify the NPR mention, I need to know if you guys had anything to do with Weinergate. Was it all a misunderstanding involving German cakes?

Anonymous said...

I DO NOT want to see what deposited that poo tie!!

o.O eeekkkkkkkkkkkk

-Barbara Anne

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous at 12:27 - Never mind the ants, what's with the fried eggs all over the sleeves? Is Dad staked out on the anthill and covered with their breakfast? My brain hurts!

littlefoot

boogieshoes said...

this is completely off topic, so i hope you'll forgive me, but i just picked up your 2009 Cake Wrecks book at the bookstore and spent a delightful couple of hours reading and laughing at not quite with it cakes. i've put the book on my fireplace mantel (for reasons not worth exploring at this juncture, i've got a mantel, but no fireplace - but then, i don't have a coffee table suitable for a coffee-table book either) so that i can have it quickly to hand whenever i want to make someone laugh.

two comments - 1) as i am a total geek, i could see getting behind a camo wedding cake complete with little army men in a strategic position. maybe it could have terrain and battle lines and everything - but, uh, no dolphins.

2) location, location, location. oh my Divinity! i'm *still* laughing at that one hours later!

anyway, rock on, Jen!

-boogieshoes

franticallysimple said...

Does that last one say "Happy Gay Fathers"? That's redundant.

Nahhh... said...

That first one, the blue "tie," looks more like a d-- a...uh...feminine hygiene water container. O.o

Amy Ellen said...

I have to say that the first one kinda looks like a finless fish.... All were way too funny.

Arlene said...

Oh my gosh..I think that poop tie has finished those cakes off for me lol. I will no longer look at a tie the same way again. Keep me away from the scissors or I may be tempted to cut those ties off the cakes lol.

cool face said...

gosh, that obviously isnt a unicycle, unicycles dont have handlebars!!! i mean, gosh you guys, just gosh.

Anonymous said...

I own more ties than my father, and I'm a woman.

Bhakti said...

That first cake: That fondant work is seamless! (No, really, it IS! Get it?)
Is that fondant or thinly sliced Velveeta?

VROOM-VROOM! Hahaha!!!
I'm no physics major, but I'm willing to bet that the motorcycle (and I use that term loosely) isn't going to roll on inch...not the way that front wheel is facing sideways yet the handlebars and front fender are facing forward! hahaha!

Vroom Vroom! LOL

wee tait cakes said...

I might just get my Dad one of these, I'm sure he would be thrilled... and glad he doesn't wear a tie too often

Aliza said...

Sadly, my father has worn worse outfits back in the day when he wore suits and ties to work every day. Instead of too-short ties and horrible colours, picture clashing batiks. I won't say more for fear I'll give you nightmares. Fashion sense was not something he was acquainted with. However, as bad as what he wore, it was still better than what my grandfather wore to my youngest cousin's bar mitzvah!

And "flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake" -- brilliant!!

Bryna said...

I think the 5th cake is for the "fancy" dad who wears neckercheifs and ascots... ;)

kimc said...

Tracy -- I thought it said "Happy Father's Gay" too.

len said...

You are getting better each and every day.

That's the long for "thank you!!"